Daily Dose
For most people, the months following their wedding are a continuation of the honeymoon; for us, it was a nightmare.
I didn’t know it at the time, but I was facing my first battle with mental illness. I had taken a job at an inner-city school. The conditions were very rough. The children were difficult to teach. A co-worker was suicidal and looking to me for help. Anxiety began to take hold of my mind.
Before long, I was having severe panic attacks. In the morning, I would shake uncontrollably. In the evening, I would lie in the dark, with no desire to eat or care for myself. My husband was working hours opposite my job, so I spent a great deal of time alone.
The anxiety continued to mount until it turned to depression. Some days I would drive to work, wondering what would happen if I were to let my car veer off the road. Other days, I would make it halfway to work, then turn around to go back home. But every time, the duties of my position called me back again. Somehow, I managed to do decently well at my job. Inside, I was a disaster, but I knew how to put on a good face for the children who needed me.
As weeks turned into months, I began to wonder where God was. How could a good God allow me to suffer with no reprieve? Why wouldn’t He help me? I sought Him at Mass and in Adoration. I did my best to pray, but most days, I just cried. I sought the help of counselors and was disappointed by how difficult it was to find a good match.
Then God surprised me. A seemingly random internet search connected me with a doctor who would end up saving my life.
Dr. Laney turned out to be an incredibly compassionate doctor. Not only did she listen to my symptoms, but she gave me as much time as I needed to explain just how bad things were. My tears didn’t scare her away. She recommended medication for the anxiety, but perhaps even more helpful was her advice to switch up my routine just to prove that I was in control of what was happening. She prescribed a bite of chocolate for breakfast. “Just because you can,” she said.
Control has always been an issue for me. I have a hard time letting go of it. During this period of severe anxiety, I had lost all control. Telling myself I could have a bite of chocolate for breakfast might sound silly, but to me it was the gentle nudge I needed to turn things around, to regain a little control. To this day, I still enjoy an afternoon “daily dose” of dark chocolate.
